Jan 16, 2004 08:43
20 yrs ago
English term
Veni Vidi Vici
Native in: Russian 
, Ukrainian
Works in: Russian to English, English to Russian, Ukrainian to English, and 5 more.
translation of a piece of poetry (song)
English
Art/Literary
Dear Colleagues!
Please find below a translation of a very good Russian song. I wonder how it is perceived by an Englishman. Any comments, suggestions or objections will be greately appreciated !
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Night, and stars would ¦ drift along sky rivers
Morning, ¦ and the stars ¦ would fade in blue
Only song will ¦ always stay with human beings
Song is ¦ always ¦ a true friend for you
Refrain:
Through the years ¦ and through any distance
On whichever road, in whichever land
Song will always stay to your assistance
Song is never coming to an end
Song's with us from very early years
Song is such a valuable thing
How many ¦ songs ¦ we've sang to our dears
How many ¦ more ¦ we're gonna sing !
Refrain.
When it's ¦ frosty ¦ song would warm the people
When it's ¦ thirsty ¦ song would water thee
Those ¦ people ¦ who don't like to sing or listen
Hardly ¦ ever ¦ happy could they be !
Refrain.
Please find below a translation of a very good Russian song. I wonder how it is perceived by an Englishman. Any comments, suggestions or objections will be greately appreciated !
===========
Night, and stars would ¦ drift along sky rivers
Morning, ¦ and the stars ¦ would fade in blue
Only song will ¦ always stay with human beings
Song is ¦ always ¦ a true friend for you
Refrain:
Through the years ¦ and through any distance
On whichever road, in whichever land
Song will always stay to your assistance
Song is never coming to an end
Song's with us from very early years
Song is such a valuable thing
How many ¦ songs ¦ we've sang to our dears
How many ¦ more ¦ we're gonna sing !
Refrain.
When it's ¦ frosty ¦ song would warm the people
When it's ¦ thirsty ¦ song would water thee
Those ¦ people ¦ who don't like to sing or listen
Hardly ¦ ever ¦ happy could they be !
Refrain.
Responses
| 3 | Agree with colleagues, plus: |
Michele Johnson
|
| 5 | Beautiful |
AlxGr8
|
| 4 +1 | It´s quite nice but the English isn´t perfect. |
Chris Rowson (X)
|
| 5 | ... |
Alex Zelkind (X)
|
| 5 | .. |
Leah Aharoni
|
| 5 | Original text? |
rene_teews
|
| 5 | Songs |
Monica Colangelo
|
| 3 | Consistancy of Formality |
kipruss3
|
Responses
3 hrs
Michele Johnson
Germany
Germany
Native in English
&
English
Germany
American engineer, Dip. Trans IOL, BDÜ
Native in: English 
Works in: German to English, English
Related KudoZ points
:
32
Selected
Agree with colleagues, plus:
I agree with Chris about "to your assistance" and "dears."
Leah makes a good point about the odd use of "would" in the first 2 lines, although I might avoid the continuous form - makes it sounds more like a one-time event and not something that happens repeatedly.
I find the very informal "gonna" does not go well with the later use of "thee" (although second person familiar, sounds very formal/awkward to American English ears). Saying "thee" just to rhyme with "be" is not the best solution I think.
Even though it's a song, I find the word order of the last line a bit awkward.
The use of "would" in the last stanza is mysterious to me. Why not "song (it) warms the people"?
I'm not sure "It's frosty" is ideal. You might try other words from a thesaurus.
"It's thirsty" is problematic. Also, I'm not sure you can really "water" people- plants, yes.
Leah makes a good point about the odd use of "would" in the first 2 lines, although I might avoid the continuous form - makes it sounds more like a one-time event and not something that happens repeatedly.
I find the very informal "gonna" does not go well with the later use of "thee" (although second person familiar, sounds very formal/awkward to American English ears). Saying "thee" just to rhyme with "be" is not the best solution I think.
Even though it's a song, I find the word order of the last line a bit awkward.
The use of "would" in the last stanza is mysterious to me. Why not "song (it) warms the people"?
I'm not sure "It's frosty" is ideal. You might try other words from a thesaurus.
"It's thirsty" is problematic. Also, I'm not sure you can really "water" people- plants, yes.
4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer.
Comment: "Dear Colleagues!
Thank you all for your invaluable comments !
"
4 mins
Beautiful
:-)
+1
11 mins
It´s quite nice but the English isn´t perfect.
E.g. "Song will always stay to your assistance", which is more than a little strange, and "we´ve sang to our dears", where "we´ve sang" should presumably be "we´ve sung", and "to our dears" is at least questionable.
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Note added at 2004-01-16 16:45:28 (GMT)
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There´s quite a lot more than these examples which is not really natural. Some of it has been pointed out in other answers. If a translation of this song is required for professional purposes you really need a native speaker to write it, not just to proof it.
--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 2004-01-16 16:45:28 (GMT)
--------------------------------------------------
There´s quite a lot more than these examples which is not really natural. Some of it has been pointed out in other answers. If a translation of this song is required for professional purposes you really need a native speaker to write it, not just to proof it.
15 mins
...
Íî÷ü! È çâ¸çäû ïðîïëûâóò â íåáåñíûõ ðåêàõ
Óòðî! Çâ¸çäû ðàñòâîðÿòñÿ â ñèíåâå
Òîëüêî ïåñíÿ îñòà¸òñÿ ñ ÷åëîâåêîì
Ïåñíÿ íàâñåãäà ïðèíàäëåæèò òåáå!
×åðåç ãîäû è ÷ðåç ðàññòîÿíüÿ
Íà ëþáîé äîðîãå è â ëþáîé çåìëå
Ïåñíÿ áóäåò äëÿ òåáÿ òîâàðèù
Ñ ïåñíåþ íå ïðîïàä¸øü âî ìãëå!
Ïåñíÿ ñ äåòñòâà ñ íàìè, äîáðàÿ ïîäðóãà,
Ñêîëüêî ïåñåí ñïåëè ìû óæå ñ òîáîé?
Íî ó ïåñíè íåò êîíöà è íåòó êðàÿ
Ïîêà áóäåøü ðÿäîì òû ñî ìíîé
Êîãäà õîëîäíî - íàñ ïåñíÿ ñîãðåâàåò
Êîãäà æàæäà ìó÷èò - ïåñíÿ íàïîÈò
Òå, êòî ïåñåí íå ïî¸ò - íå ïîíèìàåò
Òîò, êòî èõ íå ñëóøàåò - òîò ñïèò!
Ïåðâûé, ÷åðíîâîé íàáðîñîê :)
Óòðî! Çâ¸çäû ðàñòâîðÿòñÿ â ñèíåâå
Òîëüêî ïåñíÿ îñòà¸òñÿ ñ ÷åëîâåêîì
Ïåñíÿ íàâñåãäà ïðèíàäëåæèò òåáå!
×åðåç ãîäû è ÷ðåç ðàññòîÿíüÿ
Íà ëþáîé äîðîãå è â ëþáîé çåìëå
Ïåñíÿ áóäåò äëÿ òåáÿ òîâàðèù
Ñ ïåñíåþ íå ïðîïàä¸øü âî ìãëå!
Ïåñíÿ ñ äåòñòâà ñ íàìè, äîáðàÿ ïîäðóãà,
Ñêîëüêî ïåñåí ñïåëè ìû óæå ñ òîáîé?
Íî ó ïåñíè íåò êîíöà è íåòó êðàÿ
Ïîêà áóäåøü ðÿäîì òû ñî ìíîé
Êîãäà õîëîäíî - íàñ ïåñíÿ ñîãðåâàåò
Êîãäà æàæäà ìó÷èò - ïåñíÿ íàïîÈò
Òå, êòî ïåñåí íå ïî¸ò - íå ïîíèìàåò
Òîò, êòî èõ íå ñëóøàåò - òîò ñïèò!
Ïåðâûé, ÷åðíîâîé íàáðîñîê :)
40 mins
Leah Aharoni
Native in English
&
English
Clients you need for the work you love
Native in: English , Russian
Works in: English, Hebrew, Russian
Related KudoZ points
:
1
..
Very good. I would make the following changes
Night, and stars ARE¦ driftING THROUGH sky rivers
Morning, ¦ and the stars ¦ ARE fadING in THE blue
Song will always COME to your assistance
How many ¦ more ¦ we are going sing !
When it's ¦ frosty ¦ song WILL warm the people
When YOU'RE ¦ thirsty ¦ song WILL water thee
Night, and stars ARE¦ driftING THROUGH sky rivers
Morning, ¦ and the stars ¦ ARE fadING in THE blue
Song will always COME to your assistance
How many ¦ more ¦ we are going sing !
When it's ¦ frosty ¦ song WILL warm the people
When YOU'RE ¦ thirsty ¦ song WILL water thee
53 mins
rene_teews
A watchman in Babel's tower
Native in: French
Works in: English to French, Japanese to French, Vietnamese to French, and 8 more.
Original text?
This is one custom job/delight for a friend of mine especially if you can quote the reference of the source or paste it here.
And also to find a rhyme to "rivers" by replacing "human being" is quite the challenge.
Much appreciated.
And also to find a rhyme to "rivers" by replacing "human being" is quite the challenge.
Much appreciated.
7 hrs
Monica Colangelo
Argentina
Argentina
Argentina
45 yrs' experience in most every field
Native in: Spanish (Variants: Standard-Spain, Uruguayan, Bolivian, Argentine, US, Rioplatense, Latin American, Puerto Rican, Dominican)
Works in: English to Spanish, Spanish to English, Spanish, and 1 more.
Related KudoZ points
:
63
Songs
I agree with Chris's comments and would like to add "song" alone does sound a bit queer. You may choose between "songs are..." and "a song is..."
Peer comment(s):
| agree |
Catherine Bolton
: Yup, just "song" without an article sounds funny. Guess you could use "singing", but it tends to include the singer and not the listener.
1 hr
|
|
Thanks, C.
|
|
| agree |
Patricia Baldwin
11 hrs
|
|
Thanks, Patricia
|
|
| disagree |
Leah Aharoni
: Both in the original and in the translation the song is a concept and not an individual entity, and therefore is uncountable, similarly to music.
1 day 2 hrs
|
|
You cannot change the grammatical nature of a word. "Song" alone is grammatically incorrect.
|
|
| disagree |
agtranslat
: Leah is right, just think of Ministry of song, traditional song, contemporary song, Festival of song and dance, etc. where "song" is used alone.
1 day 19 hrs
|
7 hrs
Consistancy of Formality
Several times in this poem, you shift formality levels. "thee" indicative of a highly formal and styalized english, yet "gonna" is very slang, and the contraction on "Song's" lay somewhere between.
Also "fade in blue" should be "to blue".
"Stay to your assistance" really makes no sense as worded. If assistance is the better rhyme, perhaps "stay for your assistance", though that, too sounds odd to my ears.
I'm glad to see people attempt translation of Russian Poetry, cause it's the best way for me to learn the subtal meanings of words based on Russian Word Order. - kip
Also "fade in blue" should be "to blue".
"Stay to your assistance" really makes no sense as worded. If assistance is the better rhyme, perhaps "stay for your assistance", though that, too sounds odd to my ears.
I'm glad to see people attempt translation of Russian Poetry, cause it's the best way for me to learn the subtal meanings of words based on Russian Word Order. - kip
Peer comment(s):
| neutral |
rene_teews
: Calm down Kip... breathe deeply and think positive thoughts... ;-)
6 hrs
|
Discussion
http://muzland.ru/songs.html?auth=21&song=12
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would this be better ?
How many � songs � we 've sung to our sweet-hearts